♥ carouselride

Econs lecture test tomorrow , and i'm still sitting in front of my comp attempting to make a post before i go on hiatus again. Godddddd , there are so many things racing through my mind i need to break free from everything that's holding my smile and laughter back. I feel like a pessimistic ball recently , rolling onto every bad thing anyone can think of. I need a time out , some breathing space , some time for me to pig out and sever all ties with all earthly things. I need my quiet time with god badly(which i haven't done so for ages i am ashamed of myself) , i need to grab hold of my emotions before i go insane.
I need you to stop and just listen to my cries and woes because you're the only one i can turn to without any discomfort. I just needed that moment that night your attention to feed me my breathing space , but i couldn't get it. I need you to hear me say when i am hurt , cos only these words will they find you best. I need you to hear i'm at the brink of breaking down , just a fine line from insanity , just a step to whatever deemed awful. Just when i needed just your presence , just your pair of listening ear , just your hug , just for you to tell me and show me you'll be here for me , but they just didn't knock on the door of my heart. I cannot find any other better way to express how exactly i am feeling now. Words? Actions? No they're not enough. Tears? No they're just a part of it. I have a whole lot of defeated walls crumbling right inside me , every strong fortitude crumbling and making me crash. It was no longer being angry , but just an overwhelming thought of why a small little request of mine seems to be a burden for you. Do you now understand how i am feeling? Do you now understand why i hid behind those bushes for my tears to stream? Do you now know why i hesitated on whatever we've built on for so long? Do you , my dear?
I can't find any other outlet for me to relieve this crazy ass stress or whatever you call it that's going through my mind. My damnit promos that's gonna greet me in a month's time , stressing me a great deal. My dad breathing down my neck about my studies , school , discipline , health.




I can't do this myself.
I guess the only comfort that i have for however long it is , is the watch that grandpa gave to me which reassured me of his love , the book from fiona angel and vera , and alistair for just being there for me every single time.

Let's get a little materialistic here. I'd love to have a holga camera plus the other two that i saw online. These things will probably(definitely?) make me smile a little longer.


Back to my books now , back to the pace of insanity.