♥ carouselride

I'm feeling scared. Scared of losing people who mean the most to me, scared of imperfections , scared of losing to myself and to words that often times pierce through my heart. I feel like i am constantly trembling and shivering , i mean emotionally. My family , i wish they know how much i really love them and stop doubting or testing my love. My sister , sometimes i wish she knows how much i love her. My parents , i wish they could just give me the best support i need for my studies and piano but no. Each day words that come out of their mouth regarding these have to pierce right through my heart. Their words and discouragement carry the most venom cos they are people whom i love the most in the entire world. But they do not seem to understand this point. They always think i put myself before them , always think that i am heartless. I just don't express myself well , to everyone and anyone. Sometimes i wish they ask me how much i love them so i can spill everything out to them.How could she tell me that she's giving me two weeks to prove how much i love this family. How much that hurts me y'know , to even doubt my love. How could she tell me that my dad has lost hope in me , in my studies. Now , gimme a reason why should i continue to work hard and believe in myself when a person whom i put above me cease believing me. As i'm writing this plain , i am sitting right here crying but i don't want to stop typing cos this is prolly the best outlet to relieve and alleviate my pain temporarily. & esther please do know , i really love you despite all the quarrel we have.

I'm so terrified for what our future may bring for us. After the renditions of events that took place two weeks ago , i am really unsure about how strong this relationship is gonna be. We've always been strong souls together in building this relationship but for a moment that it crumbled , it sparked off fear in me. I fear what our road ahead lies , fear for what that's gonna knock on our door. Can we really place everything behind us and continue walking like how we used to? I fear so much that i dreamt of the thing that happened last week happen again today and i kept to my words and ended everything. Only then i realise how life would not be life without you , but how even more tiring it would be for me if i held on to you. Those were in my dream , but it felt so surreal. Yes , i'm still holding on to you hoping that things will change for the better for us , hoping that i will feel more secure once again. Please do not doubt my love , for i would not have thought so much and feel so much about it if i didn't care at all. I love you